My best friend sent me an SMS yesterday relaying the pressure she faces concerning her children’s education. “All the kids are doing well in school except them.” And she went on to cite comparisons from the cousins and comments from her in-laws.
While I hate to admit it, but our parenting capabilities are also pegged to our kids’ school results. If our kids do well, then we’re good mothers. If our kids’ grades are lousy, so are we. You can say no. But this just about sums up how the society thinks in general. We mothers are judged on our ability to nurture our children. Their success is ours so to speak and this is even more true when you’re a SAHM because you’re sole responsibility, as others perceive, is to ensure that your kids grow up well, and excel in school. Like my best friend, who has been reeling under pressure all these years and feeling lousy about herself because her in-laws continously implied that she did not do enough to coach her kids.
Well, even although my son is young and I’m not a SAHM, I already feel the pressure. It certainly doesn’t help that I’m not exactly the nurturing kind, like how my kid came back whining that he didn’t have a pencil case packed in his school bag because I never bothered to.
(Yes, he now has one. Only because his teacher bought it for him.)
Çool! A present from the teacher. Hee hee.
I wonder if I too will feel this way in 2 years time. I don’t think N.Americans put too much pressure into schooling here.
Irene: Probably less so if the system doesn’t work this way.
Comment by Irene — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 @ 10:11 am
I seriously think it is a Singapore thing.. with education. Here they donch put too much pressure on kids.
MB: Yup, unfortunately. In Singapore and some countries in Asia, education is deem the most important.
Comment by Mama BoK — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 @ 3:24 pm
Maybe the pressure is getting even worse now. HS may be the only way not to be affected by it.
How can you not buy a pencil case for him? Pencil cases are so cute!! And so many designs to pick from. I go overboard with pencil cases for my kids, that my daughter has to remind me … “mummy, we only need one”…
ee: Yes, I remember that entry.
Got lah…I bought one small pencil case for him before but I just never packed in his bag for him because the school is supposed to provide the stationary mah. Then I found out that the other kids got pencil case, got color pencils in their bags…whereas his only got water bottle and sweater.
Comment by earthember — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 @ 7:01 pm
i really don’t understand how this hothousing concept come about. it’s like once you’re a parent, you’re completely responsible for the kids’ development. it’s almost like, the kids don’t have personalities and aptitudes of their own. and both parent and child have to live up to what society expects of them.
but what about among your own friends and intimates? i’d think that if there’s tangible and immediate pressure, it’d come from the mindsets of the close ones.
imp: I tend to think it’s a conditioning most of us grow up with. It’s not something we can change that easily because of the stereotypical mindset on women and their roles as well. It’s almost instinctive to blame the mother when the child goes wayward and even I find myself saying things like “it’s due to the upbringing” though I don’t always think of it as the mother’s influence.
Personally, I haven’t felt much pressure from pple close to me, but the pressure comes from living in a system like ours. Can you imagine that I feel pressurize just going to the bookstore and seeing those pre-school workbooks?
Comment by imp — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 @ 11:05 am
It is absolutely terrifying when I read things like this, as a young woman who is planning her family I dread the pressures of “creating a perfect child” who “measures up” but you’re right, as a mother you are expected to do it all to make sure that your kid makes the grade
Amy: Yes, unfortunately, there’s always that stereotypical mindset on us women and inevitably, the expectations that come along with that mindset.
Comment by Amy — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 @ 11:33 am
Hm… I seem to be living in my own world, I never felt the pressure, not that there aint any around me but my thinking is as long as I know I have gave my children my best and how they can excel, will depend on themself already… kekeke
wtpg: That’s good. Not feeling the pressure and just doing what you think is best…
Comment by wtpg — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 @ 6:28 pm
I think our society has a very narrow view of education and success. I feel it’s more important that children develop a joy for learning and grow to be creative and independent thinkers. My kids are not doing well academically but it doesn’t really bother me. What gets to me is what I feel to be too much of a focus on academics and exams; I feel it sends the wrong signal to kids (and some parents too!) that they should judge themselves and others by their grades. And even in the area of academics, I’m not sure the 1 teacher to 40 kids in a class provides for effective teaching and learning. If not, how is that so many Singapore kids need to have tuition? And I’m sure parents would not choose to put their kids in a tuition class with 1 teacher to 40 kids. My kids seem to see school as just something to endure which I feel is such a pity because so much of their waking hours revolve around school. So anyway I decided to homeschool my kids to give them a different and hopefully happier and more productive childhood.
fuzzoo: You’re going to homeschool your kids? That’s interesting. I know I can’t do that, which is why sending my child to school is my best option although it may not be the best for him. There is a prescribed way of how they should be learning, performing as well as behaving. Already, my kid is branded as different because he doesn’t conform. And the school system here certainly doesn’t bring out the best in the kids. The size of the class is a problem like what you said, and this is why we have many who under performs.
Comment by fuzzoo — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 @ 9:14 pm
Oh Gavin has a pencil case liao ah….Rayner still doesn’t carry a pencil case. His school bag is for carrying a set of jumper for them to change into after shower and a bathing towel and a set of spare clothes. He is still using stationery from the school.
I know how you feel now that I am a SAHM. I always felt I have to sit down and help him revise his past work or simply just read a book with him. It’s always the mummy’s fault….already stereotyped liao…..can’t beat them, join them lor! haiz!
Jan: Hoho…I’m not the odd one out!
Comment by Jan — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 @ 10:07 am
Oh yes, I was totally taken back when I saw there are lots of pre-schooler assessment books for sales when I last visited a local bookstore. I just hope Eu will not lost interest or frighten to go school when he starts his primary education.
ky: It’s frightening. I swear my heart beats faster whenever I check them out.
Comment by kwai yoke — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 @ 5:53 pm
Gee.. my turn will come.
Isn’t it more important that the kid is healthy, and kind or curtious? Or it doesn’t matter any more?
Comment by zara's mama — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 @ 10:32 pm
we can only do so much for our children, the rest is up to them. we may be able to influence them when they are young, but when they become teenagers, they have their own minds and prefer to map out their own destiny.
remember the poem by Khalil Gibran?
On Children
Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Comment by Belle — Mon, 3 Dec 2007 @ 10:40 am