The other day during a conversation, my husband passed a negative comment about my mum. My immediate reaction was “how could you?” and then went on to berate him a little. But after that, everything resumed as per normal and I wasn’t angry with him at all.
Yet, I remember some years back, when my mum criticized the man, I was so upset with her. Maybe it was her tone at that point or that there were other issues that fueled my anger but I definitely bore a grudge and held it against her for quite awhile.
My contrasting reactions in both situations clearly indicated that I favoured my husband more than my mum and this got me thinking hard. Are marital ties stronger than blood ties? And here, I’m not discussing just about any types of blood ties. I’m talking about our parents.
I love my mum. I value the maternal ties with her. I also have a fairly good relationship with my mum. So why did I seem to value my husband over her?
If you ask me the stupid question of who will I save if both of them can’t swim and are thrown into the sea, I’ll pick my mum. Only because I know she’s more helpless than my husband. But if both of them were to have a conflict, and all things being equal, chances are, I’ll be standing by my husband’s side.
My mum will be hurt to know this and I probably sound like I lack any sense of filial piety but this is exactly how I feel. I can’t help myself. And I know that the same is true for the man, that he’ll always stand by my side too in a similar situation at his end.
So note to self: never ever put my son in a scenario in future where he has to choose between his partner and me. The answer is as clear as water can be.
Love this post! I was asked this sometime back, and my answer was similar to yours. And I know it’s the same for my hubby. But it’s not as if I don’t care for filial piety.
My explanation is this: I love my parents but I don’t have a close relationship with them.
earthember: I can’t explain my stand too well. Maybe it’s got to do with the fact that with a marriage, I view husband and wife as one unit. With parents, no matter how close we are, we cannot really be one…well, even though biologically we are supposed to be so.
Comment by earthember — Tue, 9 Oct 2007 @ 6:34 pm
Your post set me thinking.. SS..
I’m not closed to my mom.. but to hear PB say things about my mum leaves me uncomfy. He doesn’t like her.. because of the things she did to me.. when i was younger. But yes.. I will be towards PB should there be a conflict. Like PB said.. when we first met.. that if his parents didn’t like me.. or our relationship.. they will be losing a son.. and that’s that. (I had fear that there were gonna be like chinese in-laws, where they donch like the son to be involved with a much older woman) .. so before we met up.. i’ve always voiced my fear to PB.
So yup.. blood is not really thicker than water here. Perhaps.. if my ties were closer to my mom’s .. think might be different..??
MB: Yes, uncomfortable would be the right word when I heard the negative comment. But still, even though I’m quite close to my mum, I would stand on my hub’s side in the case of a conflict. It might be worst for most men who tend to choose their spouse over their parents.
Comment by Mama BoK — Tue, 9 Oct 2007 @ 10:15 pm
Hmm…perhaps i’m the odd one here? I don’t know, i love hubby but i have always have a very close relationship with mum…so if hubby were to pass some negative remarks about mum, i guess i’ll hit my top and demand an apology??! Haha…
Eileen: Well, demanding an apology is reasonable. But when two are at loggerheads and no one is really clearly at fault, whose side will you support?
Comment by Eileen — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 @ 10:11 am
My thought is, mum is the one who give birth to us and brought us up, I only hv one mother. Spouses are the one we choose to live with for our 2nd part life. We try not to, but when need be, is still “replaceable” but we cant “replace” mum. Most probably my hubby thought that too :p
Maybe my mum is happy to hear that, but probably you girls mum are happy too, as they are rest assured that the 2nd part of their daughter’s life are taken care of.
I glad to see that you people have a very strong marital ties
wtpg: I know exactly what you’re talking about. The biological ties with our mothers and that they’re the one who gave us our lives. I sound like an ingrate I guess but like I told Ange, maybe my stand has got to do with the fact of how I view a marital relationship.
Comment by wtpg — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 @ 10:12 am
Interesting post. I’m not sure who I’d stand by in the case of a quarrel between my husband and my mom. I’m very close to my mom, but I recognize her shortcomings. I love my husband, but he can be bullheaded too. So guess it would come down to what exactly the conflict was about.
Hsin: If the reason for the conflict is clear, I’ll probably be more logical in my support. But in some cases, the conflict could be just a matter of personal opinions. In that case, whose side will you stand?
Comment by Hsin — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 @ 11:08 am
Just as I predicted… I didnt take time to rephrase my thoughts (was actually sneaking time to read blog while waiting..) then simply submit my entry :p
I have not finish my sentence.
Pls dont mistaken me that I felt your view is ungrateful. It’s not at all. Sorry for Im like spelling out the obvious, everbody know our biological ties with mother. And Im just putting down my thoughts…
My mum always tell me try not to mix what in her family with my own family and the in-laws family…
(Argh…I cant put my thoughts in words again…Im trying very hard…)
that is, in any case, any conflict, be it parents with son-inlaw, or parents with parents-in-law… dont bring the package home. Your home is just your own family.
So I thought, everyone has it’s own opinion/perception, I cant change/influence it. Can be help, so try to have no hard feeling though it can be quite sad esp when the spouse talk bad about our love ones… and I always tell myself he is against the subject but not the people and it’s not necessary to draw the line and stand on who side…
Nevertheless,I really envy you have a very strong martial ties. I never want to weight my love ones in the ranking way but probably becos my hubby started of first…
If you ask him the stupid question who will he save if both me & my mil fall into the sea… Pls lor… he will save the mother and remark c’om lar I must save my mum, 自己保重 lor
wtpg: I know that’s not your view, don’t worry…but I think I’m one. And my mum will probably think likewise. The best situation is of course when we can achieve a balance and not have to choose. As for the sea, my answer is the same as your hubby cos I think the younger probably have a better chance to save themselves!
Comment by wtpg — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 @ 3:19 pm
If it came down to personal opinion, I still wouldn’t know who I’d side because it really matters what the issue is and what my personal feelings about it are. I do tend to lean towards my mom (and my dad, in fact) because I’ve been brought up thinking like them. Danny has opened me to new ways to think about things, but I’m not always convinced. So…. long story short, I still can’t say which ties are stronger in a non-logical moment.
Hsin: Haha…I like that…non-logical moment. Make that moments.
Comment by Hsin — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 @ 5:21 pm
Great post.
I too, will stick by my hubs. And like you, if he were to say anything -ve about my mom (or my family members), I’d be mad too. Only I’m allowed to say -ve things about them. If anyone said anything about them, I somehow take it as a personal insult — even if it ain’t.
Don’t you just love the way Geminis think and how we see the “dualness” of every situation?
Irene: Actually I don’t see dualness so much…but more like I have two different thoughts at the same time.
Comment by Irene — Sat, 13 Oct 2007 @ 6:05 pm
[...] to please and I realized that I didn’t accurately reflect my thoughts the last time I wrote this. Blood is thicker than water but precisely because of that, I get disappointed whenever she [...]
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