With him coming to five in January, I had thought schooling would be an easier process.  The crying has stopped certainly.  But the clinging has not.  In fact, it has gotten worst.  So bad that I have to carry him into the classroom every morning. 

He sits by himself away from the other kids in class, and I was told he wanders off when they’re having tea together.  And all he tells me is “the children don’t like me.”  I know for a fact this isn’t true and the principal tells me the same thing too.  He doesn’t pay attention to the lessons and is always looking distracted.  Sometimes he scribbles on the chairs and his workbooks and tells me afterwards that he was angry.

Good thing the school has been rather understanding and tolerant of his odd behavior.  They think he needs a bit more time, but they also want me to send him for an assessment because they think he has a low self-esteem and there are signs that he might need some help.

So even though I don’t like the idea especially since he seems so normal to us, and much as I like to think that he’s just being shy and anti-social, I may just have to acknowledge that we were in a state of denial all along. 

Have been tagged by Mumsgather to go back to my very first blog post, then copy and paste it for my readers who do not know me from the beginning to read.  Well, my first post was a brief reflection on my blog including lyrics of a song “Casserole of Life” by Guttermouth.  Because the lyrics is long, I will only put up an excerpt here.

“My casserole is a collection of my thoughts, and it’s peppered with bits and pieces of my past, my present and my dreams. I cherish all of it, whether they are sour, sweet, bitter or spicy, because they are unique, and they are mine to keep.”

Life can only be
What you put into it
My life is my casserole
And I want to fill it with fun, fun, fun, fun

The versatile diversity of casserole is similar to living life
The ingredients are things that you can’t live without
Everybody’s recipe is different upon what you put in
These are the things that make my life taste good

Looking back, I suppose there have been some changes over these two years in here but I’ve kept this blog largely my personal sanctuary.   Sometimes I reveal a bit more of my feelings and my thoughts but reading all of them still won’t tell you very much about me.

And to borrow this passage taken from Haruki Murakami’s new book Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman, “People’s hearts are like deep wells.  Nobody knows what’s at the bottom.  All you can do is guess from what comes floating to the surface every once in a while.”

Girls are bad!  Girls are naughty!  Girls disturb me!

I have a big headache.  My boy is afraid of girls.  In fact, he doesn’t like going to school because he’s afraid of a particular girl, whom he said has been going round scratching boys’ legs.  Whenever I bring him to school, I can see the fear in his eyes when he looks at her.

You’re a boy!  Why are you afraid of a girl?

So unlike other mothers who are afraid of their sons disturbing girls, I now have to deal with a son who is adverse to girls.  I’m even more worried that he might grow up to be like a teen of mine who cannot look at girls or talk to them properly at the age of 17. 

I have no clue on how to deal with this.  I don’t want him growing up with a girl phobia but neither do I want him getting hot about girls sooner.  Hello, he’s only coming 5.

The other day during a conversation, my husband passed a negative comment about my mum.  My immediate reaction was “how could you?” and then went on to berate him a little.  But after that, everything resumed as per normal and I wasn’t angry with him at all. 

Yet, I remember some years back, when my mum criticized the man, I was so upset with her.  Maybe it was her tone at that point or that there were other issues that fueled my anger but I definitely bore a grudge and held it against her for quite awhile.

My contrasting reactions in both situations clearly indicated that I favoured my husband more than my mum and this got me thinking hard.  Are marital ties stronger than blood ties?  And here, I’m not discussing just about any types of blood ties.  I’m talking about our parents.

I love my mum.  I value the maternal ties with her.  I also have a fairly good relationship with my mum.  So why did I seem to value my husband over her? 

If you ask me the stupid question of who will I save if both of them can’t swim and are thrown into the sea, I’ll pick my mum.  Only because I know she’s more helpless than my husband.  But if both of them were to have a conflict, and all things being equal, chances are, I’ll be standing by my husband’s side.  

My mum will be hurt to know this and I probably sound like I lack any sense of filial piety but this is exactly how I feel.   I can’t help myself.  And I know that the same is true for the man, that he’ll always stand by my side too in a similar situation at his end.

So note to self: never ever put my son in a scenario in future where he has to choose between his partner and me.  The answer is as clear as water can be. 

This time he wants it real short.  Short and spikey like Sonic.  I even caught him telling the lady a few times “cut like Sonic okay?”

Even though it was short, he was completely happy.  So unlike what happened earlier in the year.   And he’s even more certain he’s Sonic now that he’s got the hair to prove it.

“What’s your name?”  “SONIC!”  “How come your name is Sonic?”  He swung around and showed off his spikey hair.  *sigh*  My son is adamant on being a fictional hedgehog.  Now, should I laugh or should I cry? 

But on a positive note, he has learnt his mistake about Takuya’s identity.  I showed him the blog entry and pointed out sternly that Ah Pui 黃國倫 isn’t the same as Takuya Kimura.  He smiled shyly, acknowledged his mistake and nodded.

And to that, I’m beaming again.