Over breakfast yesterday, the man made a remark that the family is complete because of the boy. Well well. Not that I don’t already know this, but hearing it from his mouth is something else altogether.
Because in our first few years of marriage, he has never pressured me to have a kid. He knew my ambivalence about it and waited. For my wanderlust to settle down. For the career woman inside me to die a natural death. And for the selfish me to be totally mentally ready. If not for the fact that I know he loves children, I would have thought that he was okay with not having a kid of our own.
So his words yesterday did raise some questions inside me.
What if I never could get myself ready then? What if I was adamant about not having a little one? What would have happened to our marriage? What would have happened to us?
And all I will say it would never have been the same. Our relationship would probably not have come this far if not for the kid. As a matter of fact, it might not even have survived.
So don’t underestimate the little ones. They maybe small, but they’re mighty. At least I believe so in our case.
I do agree that kids complete the family. However, they could also destroy it.
It certainly takes two to clap, so whether a marriage would survive with or without kids depend very much on the two people.
ee: I know what you mean. At the end of the day, the couple still must stay on the same path in order for the marriage to work well, with or without kids. But say in a situation where two of them do not see eye to eye when it comes to the issue of having kids, then it might cause a rift. Some marriage turns cold because of a lack of kids as well. And without kids, it’s easy for anyone to walk out of a marriage without having second thoughts. Kids can hold back marriages and sometimes cement even a broken r/s. But of course, there are always two sides to a coin…
Comment by earthember — Mon, 4 Jun 2007 @ 10:55 am
I feel as if I was reading something written by myself. I’m still not sure if a kid completes a family but I know the man is thrilled with her on the way. Remember what Snow White said in Shrek 3, with the baby, we got to work harder on our marriage.
DR: Yeah, I remember that part, now that you mentioned it. It was such a forgettable story that I couldn’t remember much of the lines. But it’s true. Sometimes with kids, we forget to take care of our r/s, at least in the initial stage when we all get caught in this sudden whirlpool call parenthood. And it’s always easy to dismiss any efforts by telling the other that we’re tired.
Comment by domestic rat — Mon, 4 Jun 2007 @ 1:21 pm
your post caught me thinking. Alot.
I never knew my man loves kids till only recently when he started playing with friends’ children and dropping hints of having a ‘complete family’.
I don’t know if I am ready, but I never knew I was selfish. gee it sucks to know, really.
msff: Hey, don’t get me wrong. Doesn’t mean you’re selfish just becos you don’t want kids now. But for me, I knew all along I was being selfish. I was already in my mid 30s when I had Gavin… But you still young and still have time. M/o, you have plans to have kids…
Comment by msfairface — Mon, 4 Jun 2007 @ 1:43 pm
i think for my man and i, we are not ready at all to have children. i’m iffy about and the man can’t fathom the idea of having to support added responsibilities. to us, the idea of a complete family is status quo. we still prefer pouring our energies into our work, volunteer projects..etc. i secretly believe that when it comes down to the crunch, we’ll adopt as that means taking one kid off the streets.
imp: Sounds good to me. As long as you and your man are happy, that’s most important. Kids may complete some familites, but not all…the key is both of you are going on the same path and have the same belief going forward…
Comment by imp — Mon, 4 Jun 2007 @ 3:29 pm
hey you did not rub me off the wrong manner but I guess this post was almost like a wake-up call to me. Maybe I have not think enough for my man. Maybe I did not realise that he has always wanted children and it is good that I realised maybe I am that selfish afterall, chasing after my own career and allowing my biological clock to tick as such a fast rate. And I am not young anymore lah, unfortunately! teehee
I should seriously have a heart-to-heart talk with him.
msff: Have a nice talk ya…
Comment by msfairface — Mon, 4 Jun 2007 @ 7:15 pm
I can’t say for the future, but as of now, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to have kids.
I do agree that in some cases, kids do complete a family and at times salvage a marriage. I’ve a gf whose marital relationship was on the rocks few months back and it was the kids who saw them through the rough patch.
DT: I know of many pple who rather not have kids. I think it’s fine as long as a couple is happy with the decision. I mean, before we had kids, I thought dogs would have been fine. Hee…
Comment by DT — Mon, 4 Jun 2007 @ 7:44 pm
Danny and I are the same - there’s never been one moment where we’ve not wanted kids. It’s always been a question of how many. But I agree with Ange and DR - with kids, you really have to work so much harder on the relationship. If the focal point of a marriage moves to the child/chidren over the spouse, it could move into dangerous ground. My mom always said, your spouse should always be Number 1, not the kids. Easy to say, hard to do.
Hsin: Yup…sometimes I remind my hub that at the end of the day, when we grow old, it’ll be just the 2 of us. That’s probably why I prefer to still cultivate my own interest, have my own life, outside my role as a mother. Helps keep my sanity now, and will definitely come in handy in future…
Comment by Hsin — Mon, 4 Jun 2007 @ 9:47 pm
I do agree that a child completes the family too. For our case, my DH was the one who needed time to get ready for baby. So, we actually “wasted” almost 5 years to have our girl. He also said the same thing like what Hsin’s mom said - “spouse should also be #1″. But now that we have our daughter, I can’t help but to feel that both of us actually focus more on our daughter than each other.
cm: Interesting that it’s your DH who wants a kid later…but I suppose keeping a focal point on the kid is a natural thing when they’re young. We’re like that too…and we grumble at each other for the lack of affection…because most of our affections are given to the boy and not much left for one another.
Comment by crazymommy — Tue, 5 Jun 2007 @ 8:32 am
AMEN ! to that…SS..!! you took the words right outta my mouth. Even PB who doesn’t like kids.. he said.. he would never change the lil’ brat for anything in this world. He really dotes on her.
MB: Can’t tell that PB doesn’t like kids! From all your entries, it’s very obvious he loves Chloe. Okay, maybe not other kids…
Comment by Mama Bok — Tue, 5 Jun 2007 @ 2:29 pm
It’s the same in my case..
But we didn’t have a choice.. God wanted us to have ours 6yrs later even though we wanted it immediately (we got married because we wanted to have a kid, or else, we’ll probably just remain unmarried and continue dating w/out the piece of paper).
With the arrival of the kids, we feel complete (oh well, come to think of it, with the kids’ arrivals, without the man, I’ll still feel complete).
ZM: Can tell lah…you are very pro-kids. But don’t let your hub see what you write here k?
Comment by zara's mama — Wed, 6 Jun 2007 @ 11:16 am
Kids are sometimes the glue to a marriage. When we argue sometimes the kids make us smile again, silly though this may sound but at the same time sometimes we argue about the kids too. Haha.
mg: Ya, I understand what you mean. Sometimes we quarrel over the kids…
Comment by mumsgather — Thu, 7 Jun 2007 @ 12:31 pm
It’s good that you waited before you had kids. That was my mistake. I got pregnant first before getting married and I think the problem started there. We never really had the time for ourselves before getting busy with having children. And it’s also true that kids bind that marriage. I’m sure that if not for the kids, I would have been out of the door a long time ago.
niceheart: Well, most important is that all is a-okay now that the kids are older. Like it or not, our lives are never perfect although we all wish for that. There are always issues but we just need to look beyond that and continue living positively.
Comment by niceheart — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 @ 9:55 am