We went back to my in-law’s place for lunch yesterday. I didn’t really want to go back, because I no longer feel at ease seeing them after knowing that they might be moving in with us soon. But I know it’ll be too selfish of me to resist the trip so I just played along.
Apart from greeting them, I kept conversations minimum. In fact, even though we ate at the same table, I didn’t even exchange any words with my FIL. And for that matter, not even eye contact. Luckily Gavin was entertaining, so the ambience, even a bit cold, wasn’t tense. My MIL was also trying to warm up the mood, busy serving the dishes and fussing over her son and her grandson.
And I? I felt like a guest. Or more precisely, an outsider. Because I have no blood ties with these people. Not even my husband. My own biological link to them was through Gavin. Even then, it can all get very fuzzy still.
So all the while I was eating, I was thinking how it would be like to live like that under one roof on a daily basis. To see each other without establishing proper eye contact. To speak to one another without exchanging meaningful words. To share the same table with an obvious lack of affinity and affections. I even developed paranoia and imagined how my husband might even join them to turn against me one day.
And the only time I felt at ease again was when we retreated into a room, all four of us couped up together. It made me laughed out loud then, thinking that this would be how we’ll live in future, in our own house. The man wasn’t amused with my thoughts of course but then, he’s one of them and I’m not.
Well, I’m laughing out loud while I still can. In time to come, I’m not sure if I can even laugh anymore.
hi, good luck your in-laws moving in.
i wrote something of that sort (with a poll) on mom.exchange.ph. perhaps you’d like to visit to see what other people think about living with the in-laws. 
jencc: Yup, I took a quick look yesterday…I suppose it’s a mix bag but seems that most are like me, preferring to live apart.
Comment by jencc — Tue, 22 May 2007 @ 2:09 am
Ohhhh..SS..!! i feel so bad for you ..!! it’s hard to live with “another” person in the house.. i know that completely.. especially the “outlaws”.
But keep positive.. keep very positive ok..!! otherwise.. life very hard leh..!
Remember it is YOUR house.. not theirs..! they are the guest you are the owner..!
MB: Ya, I try…must try to see a half full cup rather than a half empty cup…
Comment by Mama BoK — Tue, 22 May 2007 @ 4:30 am
My in laws visit only and already i find reasons to escape from the house when they’re around.
But the feeling is mutual. They’ve told the husband that they absolutely do not want to live with us under the same roof and its not the grandchildren they do not want to see, its me.
carrie: Wa, that bad? But it’s probably better that way. Less friction for sure!
Comment by carrie — Tue, 22 May 2007 @ 9:33 am
deal with it like a polite and distant stranger? i think that’s the best way to keep your sanity. otherwise, every little thing is just going to spoil your day… try speaking with your husband again another day about this topic?
imp: I’m just hoping they’ll change their mind. But quietly, I’m trying to sort out my own thoughts and try to come to terms when the worst happens…and putting these down in words is one way I’m trying to sort out my messy feelings…
Comment by imp — Tue, 22 May 2007 @ 9:42 am
i felt so sorry for you sesame. why do they have to live with you? don’t they have a place of their own? are they old enough that they can’t live on their own? if they care about you, Gavin, their son, they should leave you both alone and let you live in peace and harmony in your own home.
Belle: Because they plan to sell their place and maybe get a smaller unit. Even then, it would mean living with us for 2 to 3 years…
Comment by Belle — Tue, 22 May 2007 @ 12:11 pm
oh sesame, I hope you are finding comfort in Gavin. It must have been awkward and difficult for you eating at the same table. Did your hubby sense this? I hope he can find a way for you and yet please his parents.
msff: He’s well aware of it. Actually he himself is not very keen on the idea, but they’re his parents…
Comment by msfairface — Tue, 22 May 2007 @ 6:15 pm
Dejavu.. the same feeling I had when I was staying with my MIL after we got married. Luckily it was just for a month before I moved back in with my dad!!
ZM: Well, you’re lucky then!
Comment by zara's mama — Tue, 22 May 2007 @ 10:10 pm
On one hand, I understand how difficult and traumatising it can be to live with in-laws, even though they rightfully shld be family yet I can’t help but think that by being cold to them, you are not only putting your man in a difficult position but also not quite a good example to Gavin. It’s hard but try to accommodate where possible and have the man talk to them on sensitive issues.
DR: I try not to take offense with what you’ve written but I understand it’s very hard for others to judge and comment fairly when they don’t know the full picture in my household because I don’t describe everything, except how I feel. Yes, I’ll try to accomodate but there is a limit to what I can give away. There is no point for me to say what I’ve done, but let me emphatically say I don’t believe in being self-sacrificing for whatever sake because it doesn’t make sense to me.
As for Gavin, well, he’s still taught to show respect and love to the old folks. In fact, he’s very much used as the bridge to communicate if you know what I mean. And for the man, he’ll always be put in a difficult situation, when it comes to such issues, whether he likes it or not. In fact, it might take living together to bring more hell to his life…Hiak Hiak Hiak…
Comment by domestic rat — Tue, 22 May 2007 @ 11:18 pm
If i were to stay with my inlaws, i guess i wouldn’t be laughing too…
but try to think positive and take things easy..agreed with what DR said about setting example to Gavin..know how you’re feeling but really, sometimes there’s just nothing much we can do but to endure a little…*hugs*
Eileen: Yes, I try as we always do with challenging situations. I hope some of you do realise that I write my thoughts and feelings down to help myself make sense of the situation. Maybe it seems all jubbled up but it doesn’t necessary means I’m all negative…like I tell Mama Bok, I must learn to appreciate that a cup is half filled rather than half empty…
Comment by Eileen — Wed, 23 May 2007 @ 10:21 am
Oh my. I’m glad that I am oceans apart from my inlaws. I don’t know what it would be like to live with them.
But I also have a situation like this that might happen in the future. I have agreed to accomodate a friend from the Philippines when they come here to Canada while they start to look for a place of their own. She will be coming with her family. They are applying for a visa to come here and they don’t have any relatives and she asked me and I couldn’t say no. Now I dread that time. But of course I say to myself that it will only be for a little while and they would soon find jobs and their own place.
niceheart: You’re lucky to be oceans apart…as for your friend and family, as long as she knows where to draw the line especially in terms of propiety, then it should be okay ya…
Comment by niceheart — Wed, 23 May 2007 @ 1:07 pm
Girl, sorry if I have hit a raw nerve there. Don’t mean to. I just hate to see things going the wrong way for you and pray that they won’t. Sometimes, I think impulsively too but I always always always try to hold myself back because acting rashly might make the situation beyond repair. That’s why I keep emphasizing on compromising where possible and getting the man to talk to them.
DR: Well, thanks. I know you mean well. Anyway, compromising is a quick exit for short term, not for long term ya. If we live together and things doesn’t work out, it could mean our r/s as a whole will take a bad turn. That’s my concern as well. Anyway, this thing will blow over. I’m not so hung up about it everyday…tomorrow I’ll go au au pong sai gao again.
Comment by domestic rat — Wed, 23 May 2007 @ 6:25 pm
You have my sympathies. The whole in-law issue is always a touchy one and it isn’t easy to find a solution that makes everyone happy. I will have to live with my MIL when we move home. While our relationship is genial, I still dread it. During her long visits with us, I can feel my temper fraying, and that’s with her already watching her tongue and trying not to interfere. As they say, it’s hard enough to live with your spouse, what more relatives who you don’t love??!?
Hsin: It’s trying. I’ve seen my mum lived with 4 of her DILs and none was amicable. Better to live apart.
Comment by Hsin — Wed, 23 May 2007 @ 9:24 pm
SS, I can see this is a difficult situation. I am like you, dont wish to stay with the in-law esp when we know for sure we gonna hv alots of friction even many compromising attempt.
However, I can see that on one hand u are hoping the in-law staying will not realistic and the other hand you are preparing urself mentally & emotionally for the worst…
you are handling very well actually… so no matter what big challenge ahead, just brave thru… it will be over somehow
jia you !
wtpg: Yes, you’re right. I’m trying to mentally prepare for the worst so that it may not be so bad if the time really comes…
Comment by wtpg — Thu, 24 May 2007 @ 1:50 pm