I think a lot of times, women always strive to be perfect. To be the perfect daughter, the perfect wife and the perfect mother. But in reality, it is impossible to juggle our multiple roles and yet maintain consistency in all our relationships. Let alone be perfect. Yet we continue to strive, always wishing that we can do more and if we can’t, we tend to burden ourselves with unnecessary stress and emotional blame.
Well, if you happen to fall into this category, then I recommend you read this wonderful article written about mothering.
It’s such a good read and in many ways, a reflection of my thoughts on some days. Of what I used to think of my mother, how that has changed a little since I’ve a child now to how I perceive myself as a mother sometimes. Here’s an excerpt of the original article titled Changing Hands featured on Crazy Hip Blog Mama.
As a mother, though, now, I have to pause. Take stock. Recognize the natural upheaval and discord within a marriage, and the myriad escalations brought into that discord by the introduction of a child. Understand that, while consistent behavior may be desired, and even attempted, it is far from attainable at all times. That the workings of the mind, as well as of the emotions, fluctuate. That the loss of much sleep, post-childbirth, the loss of it throughout weeks and months stacked on top of years, breaks down even further the ability to remain focused enough to capacitate consistency of behavior. That treatment of your family is just – well, inconsistent, no matter how very hard, how ridiculously, arduously invested, with all of your being and soul and spirit, that you might be. And the knowledge of that alone is enough to topple even a medium- or high-strength will.
So I get it. I get that this is tough. This incessant, upstream battle of mothering. Of parenting (because fathers face the same difficulties). Of preparing a new human for survival in our world.
If you’ve had a difficult childhood with your mother, maybe reading the article will help you see things from her perspective. And if you think you’re a bad mother, maybe reading the article will help you feel a little better about yourself.
Unfortunate for me.. my lifetime experiences with my own mother is more dramatic.. and less liken to understand than the writer .. Debbie Garrison’s.
Now that i’m a mother.. i still cannot fathom why my mother would do or say nasty things to me.. when i was a teen. But Chloe is not in her teens yet.. so i would be enlightened later in the years. But because of my own experiences with my own mother.. i’m very conscious about how i am gonna raise chloe. All i want for my daughter is unconditional love .. and to be there for her.. constantly.. loving her.. and yet firm and knowing when to back off.. and when to give her a shoulder to cry on.
I know it’s easier said than done.. but i’ll be damn.. if i didn’t try hard enough.
MB: I think everyone has different experiences with their parents. I can probably understand how you feel. I also believe whatever happened to us in our younger days tend to be etched in our memory forever. And it’s good you don’t want the same thing to happen to your kid. Me too. Sometimes when I flare up at Gavin, I remember my younger days and how I felt and try to curb myself. Because I also believe that scars and hurt we experienced when we are young are quite difficult to erase. Like my mum. She suffered a lot when she was younger and she remembered that for life.
Comment by Mama Bok — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 @ 3:26 pm
Hey Sesame… I don’t have a perfect relationship with my mum, infact, we still ‘fight’ after all these years. But I know that at the end of the day, I love her and I’m grateful for her upbringing. I admire her courage and strength despite the tough days and bad marriage she had - I respect her for her loyalty and hardwork. So for that, I will love her no matter the cost, no matter how we disagree or how she irritates me at times.
Anyways… just to let you know that you are tagged:
http://dorischua.blogspot.com/2007/03/who-is-1st-blogger-you-met.html
Doris: I doubt any of us really have a perfect relationship. I think sometimes our mothers love us too much and are over critical. Otherwise they are over protective and stifles us. But when we become mothers, we probably understand a bit more of how they felt when we were younger. Hopefully, we don’t repeat the same mistake.
Yeah, I saw the tag. Thanks! Will be working on that soon. Akan Datang!
Comment by Doris — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 @ 11:18 pm
So very true…. I mean the we strive to be perfect part.
Lucky for me, I don’t have any problem with my mum, the only problem is, she left us way too early, before I became a mum, and before I knew what it was like being a mum.
I would have cherished her more..
ZM: You’re lucky you had a good r/s with your mum. I had a better r/s with my mum only when I grew older but till today, I’m still afraid of hearing her criticisms.
Comment by zara's mama — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 @ 12:12 pm
when i was in my teenage years, i used to dig through the documents hoping to find a proof that i was picked up from the street, adopted etc… when i got married, i didn’t cry or feel sad to leave her home, instead i felt happy… our relationship does get a little better now, perhaps simply because we don’t see each other often. but just as you have put it: “whatever happened to us in our younger days tend to be etched in our memory forever” and i can say amen to that. perhaps when i become a mom then will i really see things from her perspective. perhaps, perhaps.
Lia: I’m not sure. If the childhood memory was particularly bad, it would be hard to understand and the bitterness may still linger. But at the least, it helped us realise what we shouldn’t be doing to our kids as parents…at least for me.
Comment by Lia — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 @ 2:53 am