The time has finally come. Big time misbehaving. Big time frustration. Big time helplessness. Big time questions. Someone tell me. Is this what parenting is all about?
Can you imagine? Two grown adults not knowing how to handle a four-year-old who was beyond reason, rebuke or physical punishment and was throwing an intensified tantrum in the car, telling us he didn’t want to go home. And it was only because he himself said he didn’t want to go into the children’s area.
And what did we, his parents do? We could only glance at each other through the rear mirror, feeling lost and exasperated because we have never seen him behaved this way, not even when he was resisting school. In the end, our frustrations caved in and we just relented. It’s almost like waving a white flag and saying WE GIVE UP so that all the screaming and bawling would go away.
And amazingly it did, as quickly as it started. In fact, he was happy to queue for his turn and eventually got into Smaland without any fuss the second time, so unlike the first.
But his story did not end there. Close to one hour later, we came back to pick up our child only to find him pushing a boy by the head, trying to drown the other in a pool of balls! OMG. Is that my son, separated by a glass divider, being monstrous and sadistic? What got into him and possessed my angel to be such a bully all of a sudden? I don’t recall his teachers saying he has any behavioural problems in school.
Luckily the other boy was unharmed and everything was a-okay after the staff intercepted. But my boy, he was wailing loudly AS IF HE WAS THE VICTIM!
We never got to establish what really took place in that playroom. Neither could we elicit a proper response from him. We gave him a good talking yes. But did he understand any of it? We don’t know.
So what went wrong? Why did we not see this coming? How did we raise a brat out of our child? Is our parenting methods all wrong? Did we over protect him? Did we cultivate violence in him? And the big time question: is our child normal? Or is he really special as some idiots have alleged him to be?
It’s also probably easy for someone looking outside in to deduce that we both have been bad parents. And we probably are, at certain times, because we’re humans with our own emotional baggages too.
But you know what I really think?
Deep inside, I’m scared. Because this boy is proving too much for us to handle. I shudder to think of the years ahead.
And deep deep inside, I wish I’m having a dog instead of a son now.
Could be just a bad Gavin day like a bad hair day. Don’t brood over it. *Hugs*
DR: Very funny this comment ended up in spam. And it came out with a later batch. Strange.
Comment by domestic rat — Mon, 4 Dec 2006 @ 1:27 pm
You’ve just successfully managed to put into words the thoughts that run through the minds of every parent. Lol!
mumsgather: I suppose at one point or another, our kids behave the same way that’s why.
Comment by mumsgather — Mon, 4 Dec 2006 @ 1:34 pm
Sometimes, this things do get us wondering if we have been good parents…
Luckily, these thoughts only come in ’sometimes’.
Hope it’s the same with you, and this is just one of those days we sometime have to go through.
ZM: The thought if I’m a good parent comes everyday actually…
Comment by zara's mama — Mon, 4 Dec 2006 @ 2:55 pm
Hey..SS,
I think children are all this way.. and have moods like us adults. But children being innocent.. they vent.. and show. .. wherelse. .we adults handle it differently.
Like we would bitch about thing.. or rant.. but children. .they donch know how.. so they react.
My chloe can be an angel one minute. .and the next.. a real monster..!! last week. while at the store.. she was pulling a customer’s daughter’s hair. I didn’t see it. .but Papa BoK did. The customer claimed that Chloe was only touching her hair. .but i think Papa BoK thinks otherwise.
Sometimes.. chloe is so lovely dovey.. and all of a sudden.. she turns around. .and said.. ” i wanna hit you” .. and sometimes.. she does it.. before we can stopped her.
I think it is quite norm.. for children to behave this way.. because Chloe beat her babysitter.. too. .once in a while, she would pretend to wanna hit her. We donch take it lightly.. and make a big deal outta it.. so she doesn’t do it often enough.. to make us worry.. where she learnt it from.
Above are some of the experiences that we have with Chloe. I hope it helps you see clearer, i wouldn’t be too, too worried.. and just monitor your boy. If it persist.. then you can seek help. If this is a one off thing.. i think you prolly donch have to worry too much.
MB: Hey thanks. I do feel better knowing that about Chloe. Maybe cos it’s the first time he behaved this badly and I felt terrible. Increasingly, he’s getting more defiant at home as well. Quite a handful. He’s also getting to the habit of hitting pple like the maid and like you, I don’t like it and will tell him firmly no. And the worst is that everytime these things happen, I keep going back to those thoughts about what some idiots have said about him. I know I shouldn’t. But just can’t help it.
Comment by Mama Bok — Mon, 4 Dec 2006 @ 3:24 pm
Thoughts of a true mother! Do let me know what you come up with. I’ll need the tips for my tool belt!
Irene: Tips? Er, I’m not sure if I will ever find these. Anyway, Hailey doesn’t sound a quarter as bad.
Comment by Irene — Mon, 4 Dec 2006 @ 5:00 pm
i think it’s quite the norm…
children won’t be angels all the time. my niece is the sweetest cutie pie ever. but i’ve seen her slap her sister when they fight over toys… so…i guess that’s her style of interaction for u. it took her parents a long long time to explain to her that beating people to get her way is wrong.
imp: I actually shouldn’t be surprised cos I’ve taken care of a few nephews and some were worst. But still, it was shocking and upsetting to find my own behaving like a brat.
Comment by imp — Mon, 4 Dec 2006 @ 6:48 pm
Perhaps being an only child, he is used to having his way? Does he take ‘no’ easily? Or perhaps, as children, they do have that tendency to resort to ‘violence’ to vent out their frustration at not being able to express themselves clearly to us? Do you believe in using the rod? I used to say to myself that I will never be the kind of parent who would use the rod. But well well, look what I’ve become. *cynical laugh* I sincerely believe in the adage, “spare the rod, spoil the child”. But you have a right to disagree with me.
JoMel: I agree fully with that and in fact, I am now seriously thinking of buying the cane. But my hub ask me to hold out. The thing with Gavin is that he’s usually quite mild mannered. While he’s getting more defiant, he usually will accept no if told firmly. And even when he hated to go to school, he never threw such a big tantrum. So that was a BIG surprise.
Comment by JoMel — Mon, 4 Dec 2006 @ 10:26 pm
Am I the only one whose comment was spammed?
It could just well be an isolated incident. Kids are usually less inhibited than adults and do not know how to control their actions. I used to fight with my sister too and trick her into all sorts of dangerous situations for fun. Don’t read too much into the isolated incident or lump the previous experiences with this one. Gavin is probably a more ‘physical’ kid, you know like some adults who prefer human touch to express himself.
DR: Ya, probably I need to come to terms that this is isolated (I hope). Just that I can’t help but be reminded of what others have said about him everytime he misbehaves. And those pple who passed those comments actually don’t understand the damage they have done.
Comment by domestic rat — Tue, 5 Dec 2006 @ 12:18 am
Wow, the picture you painted made me think twice about starting a family… But I do agree with you that boys are more of a handful when compared to girls… I still love kids though…
Farmer: Hi. Don’t let my experience scare you off. Start one when you’re ready to cope with such issues although realistically, we are never too ready. And yes, boys are a handful…but I suppose we encounter different issues as they grow up.
Comment by Farmer — Tue, 5 Dec 2006 @ 7:12 am
I shrudder just reading your post but then again….parenting was never said to be an easy task nor was there a hard and fast rule…..every kid is different and parenting skills and techniques differs from parent to parent and household to household. What works for you might not work for others so….and vice versa….
I too thought, how hard can it be to bring a 4 year old out but Rayner proved me wrong. He can be super cooperative most of the times but there are also times when he can behaved like a total strange to me…..makes me wonder who the hell is this kid? Where is Rayner, what have this monster done to my sweet son??? *scratch head* but am constantly reminded by my mum that kids are difficult at any age…..parenting is HARD work!!! haiz
Jan: You think it’s a boy’s thing? RayAnne doesn’t behave this way right? At least that’s what I think from what I’ve read.
Comment by Jan (My lovely Rays) — Tue, 5 Dec 2006 @ 12:35 pm
it’s always shocking when it happened to us..believe it or not, aidan had his first meltdown last weekend too..at takashimaya. i told my other half that our child is definitely harder to handle now that he’s older because when he is set on something, it’s harder to distract him like what we used to when he was younger..We only have to accept that this is part of their growing up and that they are prone to such outburst.i guess we have to know how to cope/react when it happens..(i have no idea how though!)
yes, it’s always easier for others to put the blame on the parents and think that we havent been doing our job in raising up our kids well…but i dont think u should start berating ourselves when you know that you’ve tried your best.
also, i had a similar experience when i placed aidan at a nursery school for a trial class..he was only 18 mths old then. The teacher commented that he was extremely hyper and had limited attention span & even went on to ask whether i’d gotten him tested before..i was so stunned that i didn’t even react to what she said…her remarks only sunk in that evening and i was so offended!
Angelia: Hey, so similar experiences we had! And both of them are about the same age! Maybe it’s a boy’s thing and they explore at around 4??? But I always think Aidan as a sweet charming boy. And actually, I also think of mine as sweet until now! :razz: And like you, I didn’t react when I first heard the comments. It was later that I got so upset and then angry with myself for not telling them off.
Comment by Angelia — Tue, 5 Dec 2006 @ 9:17 pm
Hee…hee…hee…. your last sentence really sent me rolling off the floor! You very funny leh, Sesame
Kekekeke……
SSF: But really leh. I saw someone walking a dog and I thought it would have been so nice if it was only our dog and us. You know, low maintenance! Which was what I used to say before I had a child.
Comment by sunshinensunflower — Wed, 6 Dec 2006 @ 12:11 am
I think I can understands how hurt you felt inside when people commented about kavin misbehave or even classified him. Those remarks can be very discouraging and confuse our parenting job. Worst when we thought we have been doing a good one. So dont let those shaken your confident.
I think no matter what chidren do, they are just naive. So parents must always guide and discipline till the day, they can differtiate themself. But some adults just simply dont understand it and too focus on the child’s misdeed, which dont do good to the children.
I recalled my nephew, he pushed his 3yo classmate causing scar on her… the school marked him as mischief act but i think is inevitable incident in school, where children play together. But he had an expensive lesson to learn the consequences. Money is not an issue but the mental repentant he received.
Yes, I strongly agreed children need to have strict discipline but most of the time adult look things at the view of our world making the things very serious. Children are really very naive… they need most is our support and encouragement not resentment.
So SS, dont feel bad. This is just part n parcel of children act. Maybe one day while shopping at ikea, you hear some children scream piercing your ears and when squeezing thru the crowd, you saw two monkeys, most probably is my WTPG… You cant find me, cos I hiding :p kekeke
wtpg: Your comments do make me feel better. Thanks! I think you’re right. A lot of times, we see it from our level and not theirs. And they really just want to have some fun, and not out to make life difficult for us. But still, quite a challenge to deal with that fact. Haha…and yes, I will keep a look out next time!
Comment by wtpgrr — Wed, 6 Dec 2006 @ 7:54 pm
Ah, I remember those days when my kids would throw tantrums. And I think it’s just normal for you to have those feelings that there’s something that you’re not doing right. But you’re right, we are only humans and we make mistakes.
But you know what I noticed with my children, when they first started school, I also noticed they started showing a few bad behaviours. Maybe they picked it up from the other kids in school. But of course, I would correct them and they would outgrow it. Your son is probably just going through that phase.
niceheart: Yup, it’s a phase I need to go through, as with all parents. When I see parents like yourself, I’m envious because your kids are older and you’re past this phase. But at the same time, I don’t want him to grow up so quickly cos I’m enjoying these moments with him as well. *sigh* Contradicting myself.
Comment by niceheart — Thu, 7 Dec 2006 @ 10:41 am
Oops! Mistyped Gavin name to Kavin. My apology :p
Glad you are feeling better
wtpg: It’s okay. No worries. Ya, feeling better now. Thanks!
Comment by wtpgrr — Fri, 8 Dec 2006 @ 9:32 am
[...] And finally, the boy didn’t kick up a fuss like last weekend and was almost at his best this morning. I stayed outside to observe him the whole hour and he didn’t once misbehave. [...]
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