Two days ago, I went to the wet market near my mum’s place. After buying the stuff, I was in a hurry to go back home. As I was walking towards the car, I saw my mum, about 30 metres away from me, climbing up the stairs and walking towards the direction of her house. And what did I do?
I just continue to walk towards the car, pretending I did not see her. I only turned back once to see her walking away.
Yes, I did that. I didn’t stop to acknowledge my own mother.
So now you think I’m terrible too isn’t it?
I don’t have a bad relationship with my mother. No. In fact, we’re quite close and I love my mum.
I’ve been thinking why I did what I did. I don’t really know the answer. I think I just wanted to avoid her that moment because I was moody. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to talk to her and to explain to her why I hadn’t gone back last Sunday.
Another thing is I’m scared of my mother. So scared that I need to garner a lot of courage to make a phone call to her, even if it’s about something trivial. I’m also afraid to antagonise my mum or upset her. It’s a conditioning I grew up with.
Which is why I never go back to my mum whenever I have any problems. In fact, come to think of it, I don’t have a 娘家 to fall back on in times of need. No, not really. I’m a coward because I’m scared shit of being criticised and judged by them because their words always hurt where it hurts most.
Well, just one of those complicated affairs of the heart that I cannot quite explain.
Hmm… looks like you’ve answered your own questions on why you didn’t go up to your mum that day.
MS: Ya, this is my self-dialogue.
Comment by mother superior — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 @ 1:26 pm
Think me and my dad have this exact relationship you have with your mum…..think I would have done the same exact thing you did….walk away without approaching….
I love my dad too but…..haiz…dunno what to say!
Jan: I wouldn’t say exactly the same. For one thing, my mum and I are still quite close. There has been a rift in recent years but we’re still able to share a lot of things. Except that I no longer like to tell her my problems.
Comment by Jan (My lovely Rays) — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 @ 2:16 pm
Err.. hard to explain but you have the answer..
Pstt.. among my immediate family members, I think I would only do this to my bro. That’s because we really don’t have anything to talk about. For the rest of my family members, I would have gladly went up to say Hi.
ZM: I usually do that with my mum (as in go and greet her gladly). I think it was just that day…and I felt bad about what I did, treating her like a total stranger.
Comment by zara's mama — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 @ 2:50 pm
Hmm..i think you have the answer already? well, you’re not terrible lah, just emotional, i guess..
Eileen: Oh yes, I’m emotional alright. Don’t even go there…
Comment by Eileen — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 @ 3:38 pm
Hey SS, what’s bothering you that day? Hope you are feeling better now
Dont self blame lah, I dont think the act is terrible.
I dont let my mum see my lousy mood too :p
wtpg: Maybe that was it, I didn’t want her to see my lousy mood.
Comment by wtpgrr — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 @ 7:03 pm
I would describe you as a reasonably prudent person– not terrible. Mom issues nag all of us.
And remember that self-preservation is vital to the species. Preserve yourself, darling.
ally: Hey thanks. I like what you say “mom issues nag all of us.” I feel better learning this.
Comment by ally bean — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 @ 9:44 pm
Hey..SS,
OMG..! i think we are so much alike..!!!!!! it’s spooky..!! i have a really complicated relationship with my mum..!! and i donch know where to begin to be honest. When i see Papa BoK with his parents.. you donch know how much i envy him.. and them..! my PILs .. are the best parents.. never criticised.. never scold.. always encouraging..and always.. nodding their head in agreement.. with whatever Papa Bok have to say.. or decide.. very, very different.. from mine with my siblings.
MB: You think it’s an Asian thing of the past generation? For one thing, my mum did not have an amicable relationship with her own mother. And for me, I only got close to her when I was about 17 after my dad passed away. We were still close until these recent years. I think she feels that I’ve drifted away cos I didn’t spend enough time with her. But I really dislike it when she makes me feel guilty or pass sarcastic remarks sometimes.
Comment by Mama Bok — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 @ 11:31 pm
I never have a close relationship with my parents. I think sometimes it’s a miracle I grew up and turned out quite well afterall. That sort of explains my fiercely independent character.
DR: Maybe it’s also the grounding you had with your grandma.
Comment by domestic rat — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 @ 11:55 pm
i have hang-ups about my parents still. remnants of childhood fears and all. they carry over till today. you’re a normal person.
imp: You do too? Yeah, I’m glad we all turned out normal.
Comment by imp — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 @ 12:50 am
It was probably just a lousy day for u and you didn’t want to meet your mom that day.. I’m sure everybody has that day.. don’t be too hard on yourself k? *hugs* Hope u feeling better..
Erika: Thanks.
Comment by Erika — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 @ 1:09 am
Bitacle Blog Search Archive - I’m such a terrible person…
[...] Two days ago, I went to the wet market near my mum’s place. [...]…
Trackback by bitacle.org — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 @ 2:17 am
SS, everyone has emotional baggage of their own, whether or not they like to admit. i’m not at all suprised when you said its a conditioning you grew up with. i do have certain kind of “conditionings” too. obviously we all wish to hv good parents, great marriage, loving husbands, obedient kids, wonderful career, friends who stand by u etc etc, but sadly, this is life and its the reality we’re talking abt. and they don’t happen perfectly, or the way we want it. sometimes we may feel “guilty” like what u do, but u cant expect to feel that way all the time. you’ll only tire yourself out.
acceptance is the key. accept the fact that you love yr mum but she’s not the person you’d run to when you hv problems. why? simply coz their words are hurting. and obviously u could always sit down n talk abt it, like how they’re hurting u and wish they could stop n be supportive of u instead. but if its me, i wouldnt wanna be bother. like my mother in law for eg. yea we do hv issues but i just wont b bothered 2 iron them out. life is too short. so yea, just accept it. thats what i’ll do if it were me.
Evan: You’re right about coming to terms with issues like that especially when you can’t do much to change it. I have but then again, certain family issues are hard to accept within a very short time. Anyway, it’s not a big issue with my mum. I guess the real problem at that point of time was really me.
Comment by Evan — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 @ 8:48 am
Hi… I accidentally found your blog while doing a search on Takuya Kimura and since then have been reading your blog regularly.
About your mom.. I felt the same with my mom. She passed away 3 months ago. I didn’t realy cry on the day not even now. My sister said it was because I wasn’t close to her after I got married and have my own family.
The real thing is, I miss her so much. But when she was alive I was so scared of her, coz she always tell the truth in the most crude way. The truth that I hope nobody will tell me so that I can believe otherwise as the truth is always painful.
Now that she is not around any more, I sort of regreted that I did not spend more time with her.. I miss the time when I was a kid and she was the center of my life and that when I believe that I cannot leave without her.
Miah: I believe our mothers love us. Just their way of expressing it could be a bit hard to swallow at times. For me, I try to see her as often as I can but still, not frequently enough. Btw, glad to learn that you’re a TK fan.
Comment by miah — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 @ 3:17 pm
i know. nobody said it was easy. just that well, if u don’t try, then you’ll be stuck in it lor.
Comment by Evan — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 @ 4:45 pm
Hello, first time here. Nice blog you have with great reads.
Hmmm.. You did not know why you did what you did. Now that you have penned it down, you do know why you did what you did. So, looks like you had good reason to do what you did.
Lil’ Joy: I suppose monologuing is helpful in rationalising thoughts sometimes…
Comment by Lil' Joy — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 @ 3:54 pm
Hi there,
Found your blog by chance. Have been ‘lurking’ around and reading it regularly. Interesting posts.
I was never close to my mom, and I think the relationship got worse when she told me that she would not love me as much as she did my younger sis becos’ I was the apple of my dad’s eye and to be fair, she had to love my sis more.
We only got slightly closer when I was about 18 after my dad passed away. I do love her, in a way, but we’ll never get to the stage where I’m comfy confiding in her.
DT: Hi, welcome. Thanks for “delurking” and sharing your thoughts on this. I suppose your mum thought she was doing what’s best for the family but she didn’t realised that by telling you, she had unknowingly hurt your feelings. Maybe she didn’t know of a better way to express herself then or understand at that point that some things are better left unspoken. Take heart at least you still have an amicable relationship with her and try to cherish the times you have with her now. That’s what I tell myself too.
Comment by DT — Sat, 23 Sep 2006 @ 6:18 pm