“LOVER LEAVE HUSBAND BROKE AND WIFE IN TEARS.”
This is the title of an article I came across in The New Paper on 31 July. A story of a man who kept a Chinese mistress and spent a massive amount on her while his wife stayed at home to mind their two children. In the end, the wife found out and filed for divorce.
My husband even gave her a supplementary credit card,’ revealed the 37-year-old housewife. ‘I didn’t even get one, much less a generous $2,000 allowance. They were enjoying life while I was at home looking after our 3-year-old son and newborn.
Catherine said, sobbing: ‘I am a simple woman. I try so hard to save money for the family. I don’t even ask my husband for a shopping allowance. I shop only when it’s necessary, and I use my own savings. I was appalled that my husband allowed her to spend our money blindly, no questions asked.’
Forget about the issue of infidelity. It’s not what I want to discuss here. What caught my attention was the fact that the wife had tried so hard to scrimp and save for the family, at her own expense.
Some women, like Catherine, probably think that they’re being virtuous by saving their husband’s money. Any allowance is strictly spent on the children and the household. Right. But don’t shortchange ourselves too. It’s important to remember to take care of our own needs and pamper ourselves occasionally.
So women, please don’t be too stingy on yourselves even if you proclaimed to be simple. Ask for a decent allowance or a credit card, especially if your husband can afford to give. Of course it doesn’t all have to be splurged on shopping or material needs. The extra can always be saved for raining days. What I’m advocating here is that it’s high time we put ourselves somewhere at the top of the family’s priority list, no matter how low maintenance we are.
Sure, I won’t be surprised if the men and even some ladies will disagree with my approach. But seriously, does being virtuous always have to mean self-sacrificing?
I go a different route. I know how much hubby makes exactly and know every expenditure of his. That way, he won’t have the extra money for another woman.
His money is my money, my money is my money. Hohoho.
Comment by Erika — Tue, 8 Aug 2006 @ 2:30 am
I’ve never really thought about this issue, maybe because I’m very low maintenance, always feel independent, and would rely on myself than others. Of course, my hubby is also not the sort to tuck money away. He would always joint-account this and joint-account that, for my benefit, and candidly offered, “my money is yours”. If I want anything, it’s always given, no question asked.
But I agree, I should take more responsiblity in handling the expenses and finances too, and not just take things for granted.
Comment by earthember — Tue, 8 Aug 2006 @ 6:30 am
Did you receive my earlier comment? Something is weird here… I can’t seem to get my comments thru’ for wordpress blog…. so they want to boycott me huh?
Comment by earthember — Tue, 8 Aug 2006 @ 6:38 am
I agree with you totally.
Comment by Mama Bok — Tue, 8 Aug 2006 @ 8:07 am
I tend to just go with earning my own money and spending my own money. Perhaps this spending of husband’s money only comes about so keenly when one is SAHM. I will buy what I think is neccessary, like clothes, etc. and if I think it’s a need when husband thinks it’s a want, I’ll explain to him my rationale.
Comment by bam — Tue, 8 Aug 2006 @ 8:50 am
I see a little bit of Catherine in every woman, especially those who have turned mothers. It’s only inevitable to spend more on the kids than on themselves. Anyway, I do not contest them in this aspect because I will always kena-ed the defensive response that I’m not a mother so I won’t ever understand.
Comment by domestic rat — Tue, 8 Aug 2006 @ 9:00 am
OK, I’m going shopping today with so many sales going on. Splurge, splurge, splurge. And hopefully, won’t feel guilty, as always. Sigh… women.
Comment by mother superior — Tue, 8 Aug 2006 @ 9:22 am
My mum never fails to remind us (daughters) the importance of having our own savings after we got married. I think most women nowadays are financially independent and don’t really rely that much on the husband. Some men thus use that ‘extra pocket money’to keep a mistress…
But i seconded Erika’s comments “His money is my money, my money is my money”.. hehehe…
Comment by Eileen — Tue, 8 Aug 2006 @ 9:27 am
For my parents’ case, mummy is allow to draw any amt from papa’s acct but mummy also know her limit of not drawing him dry. I hope when my turn comes my hubby will also be just like dearest papa.
Comment by Ashes — Tue, 8 Aug 2006 @ 9:55 am
heehee…i am like Erika…we know how much each other makes and shares most of the bills and knowing my man, any extra money goes into his hobby….kekekeke
And i totally agree with sesame’s view…..”So women, please don’t be too stingy on yourselves even if you proclaimed to be simple. Ask for a decent allowance or a credit card, especially if your husband can afford to give. Of course it doesn’t all have to be splurged on shopping or material needs. The extra can always be saved for raining days. What I’m advocating here is that it’s high time we put ourselves somewhere at the top of the family’s priority list, no matter how low maintenance we are.”
Comment by Jan (My lovely Rays) — Tue, 8 Aug 2006 @ 10:11 am
Erika: Haha…that’s a good take. But for me, I go for sharing, so it’s “our money”.
EE: I had the same experience at Crazymum’s site and I realised that many of the comments were caught as spams!
Your mokster (that’s what you call him right?) is good! I also want (I mean a husband like that).
MB:
bam: More so for SAHM but even working women can still ask for a bit of allowance if the money is not too tight for the husband. A bit more savings is always good.
DR: I know what you mean. I was like that initially after Gavin was born. Everytime I go shopping, it’s for his stuff. But these days, I try to remember my own needs too.
MS: Hey, splurge occasionally on yourself is okay lah. No need to feel guilty especially if you can afford it.
Eileen: Even my own brother taught me that. It’s true, but I think a wife can also share her money with her husband if needed to.
Ashes: Your dad really good. Yes, must find a man who is generous with you, and stingy on others!
Jan: It’s good your husband is open with you. You believe some men don’t even let their wives know how much they earn? I had a friend like that.
Comment by sesame — Tue, 8 Aug 2006 @ 10:20 am
That’s why I don’t think I can ever quit work and stay at home and spend my husband’s money.
I prefer to have my own income and when I spend it, I don’t have to feel bad. Although I make my husband buy me gifts occasionally but it’ll be different if I needed money from him on a monthly basis to spend on my self.
Comment by zara's mama — Tue, 8 Aug 2006 @ 10:23 am
I hear you! Why is it so hard for women to spend anything on themselves? It’s the guilt!
Comment by Black Belt Mama — Tue, 8 Aug 2006 @ 10:34 am
at first i couldnt quite comprehend the title when i read the article on new paper. i tot it was like…lover leaves husband, and whats with the ‘broke and wife in tears’? LOL, then i realize what it meant.
for me, my hubby never question what i buy, and im quite a spendthrift actually hehe. i’ve got countless pairs of shoes, lip glosses and eyeshadows in every possible shade, bags, accessories etc. but i’ve “toned down” over the years, also might b becoz my interest has shifted to baking now haha. the ironic thing is, he MINDS if he goes shopping with me and tells me not to spend so much. but if i buy that something myself, sometimes i don’t even tell him or lie to him that the bag cost $20 when its actually $120 haha.
and then of coz, there are all kinds of women in this world. some are just too stupid that i find that i find it real pitiful.
Comment by Evan — Tue, 8 Aug 2006 @ 10:59 am
Wah! pingping pongpong! The fireworks over already? I see only smoke… anyway
I agreed totally… woman shouldnt short change themself, especially housewife, though those are hubby earned money, but the scarified we had made for the family, we really deserved our fair share! It’s great to hear some of our SAHM are getting their fair share, very nice hubby huh
I used to think it’s fair that I bear the home expenditure equally with the hubby since I am earning too,so we had a joint a/c and used to contribute equal amt monthly.
Just did a quick contribution calculation and realise actually 80% of my salary goes to the family! and the hubby only 35%! Wow kor! No wonder I feel so deprive when shopping!
Life experiences taught me smart, I have to save for raining day, better say, protect myself and my children, especially when I know the hubby is not a planning man. Though I know his remaining salary go to his car(ask me why car not categorise under family? Cos he proclaim the car is his! He make decision how to use his car and I have no say!), investment(4D,what else?!), recreation(cigar and drinks)and the loan from the hospital (installment for his mum hosp bill)…but still, that shd be the excuses.
I think must re-shuffle the percentage. Gradually transfer my percentage to him, instead of 50-50… now 60-40… slowly 70-30 and finally 0-100% one day! Hahaha
That’s how my thought now! Have to make the hubby bear most of the home expenses, till he hv no extra for extra marital relationship! Though that doesnt safe proof my man from infidelity, at least this safe-guard my welfare.
Comment by wtpgrr — Tue, 8 Aug 2006 @ 2:48 pm
Financial Model For Couples…
I just came from reading Sesame’s post on Women, don’t shortchange ourselves and since I have too much to say, I decided not to comment and write another post myself.
One of the things a married couple must handle together is money, naturally. I b…
Trackback by mumsgather — Tue, 8 Aug 2006 @ 3:14 pm
For your infor! Last night I went orchard OG shopping(20% storewide), passed by JL, at level one they crafted out an corner for chocolate and guess what?! They have most Meji products and I found the blueberries fran stick! Then OG top most level selling home product and a corner for tibits, they have the fran stick too!
Now no worry your fran stick will out of stock easily!
Comment by wtpgrr — Tue, 8 Aug 2006 @ 5:29 pm
“But seriously, does being virtuous always have to mean self-sacrificing?”
i don’t know how not taking care of yourself in all ways could be considered virtuous. that sounds like lazy to me. if mama’s not happy, no one’s happy.
Comment by ally bean — Tue, 8 Aug 2006 @ 8:30 pm
I have only 3 words for this post……that is, I totally agree
3 cheers for Sesame….cz’ I share the same sentiment as what she has written !
Comment by sunshinensunflower — Wed, 9 Aug 2006 @ 1:20 am
ZM: I know what you mean. With our own money, we don’t have to account to anyone in that sense.
BBM: Guilt. That’s the word! I didn’t actually realised that. Maybe cos I never felt guilty.
Evan: Haha…I do that sometimes. Just conveniently forget to mention. Anyway, my husband does that too. And between the two of us, I’m the thrifty one.
wtpg: That’s interesting. Using income to measure the contribution. Yes, should slowly try to shift more burden to him so that you have more disposable income for yourself.
And thanks on that Fran news! Heheh. I’ve been loading up whenever I visit any Cold Storage. I hope this time, the stock is always available.
ally: Yes, that’s what I think too. The woman, whether a mother or not, has to take care of herself to be happy for the family! But I don’t think it’s always laziness. Some women tend to put others’ (esp kids’) needs ahead of theirs. I would say, put it on par whenever possible.
SSF: Haha…must pamper pamper ourselves sometimes right?
Comment by sesame — Wed, 9 Aug 2006 @ 8:57 am
Mmm … yes must remember to keep my own secret bank account when I get married. Hehe ..
Loong: Secret bank account okay as long as you don’t keep secret woman okay!
Comment by Loong — Wed, 9 Aug 2006 @ 9:31 pm
My situation is very similar to Ange’s. I generally don’t spend much, whether it was before while I was still working, or now as a SAHM. I’m very low maintenance and anything I do spend on is usually for the household or the kids. Danny takes the attitude that everything he makes is ours, so there’s none of “this is mine and that is yours”. He has never questioned my spending and in fact always nags me to go shopping and spend on myself. Which I should, but I don’t, just because it’s not in my habit to do so.
Hsin: Well, Danny is a lucky man. But Hsin, it doesn’t always have to be shopping. It can be other things. Eg. taking care of your health?
Comment by Hsin — Thu, 10 Aug 2006 @ 12:11 am