I was overcome with resentment on Sunday evening when I realised that I didn’t have the time to do any grocery shopping over the weekend and we’re fast running out of critical items at home. How is it that I have to handle the day-to-day running of the household, ensure the welfare of my boy and still work almost everyday?
So I sent a SMS text message to my husband who was out for his exercise griping about this. Shortly after sending it, I regretted. The message wasn’t polite and the tone was accusatorily. I’m sure he would be annoyed receiving the message.
I knew it must be my PMS acting up and the fact that I’ve been feeling stressed over some new assignments I’ve taken up. But I didn’t offer any apology to him. I waited till he was back later in the night to size up if he was indeed angry. Of course he was and we didn’t speak again. Both turned into different sides of the bed with him fuming and me feeling kind of cold.
It was the same coldness in the morning. There was still no word from my man when I was preparing to leave the house with my boy. I didn’t feel like leaving the house in that state of coldness. So while he was reading the newspaper, I went up to him to apologise. And immediately, everything was back to normal in a jiffy. The air was warm again at home.
The word “sorry” has an important place in our relationship. We demand apologies from each other when offence takes place. Our cold war cannot end without such an acknowledgement from either party. I’ll admit however that I used to wait for him to make the apology no matter whose fault it was. Sometimes it’ll be an agonising wait on days. Just to prove to myself that he loves me more or that women ought to be pampered. Ha!
Increasingly over the years, I’ve grown more accustomed to using the word “sorry” in our relationship and making the move to break a cold war if it was my mistake to begin with. Maybe it’s the age. Maybe it’s the wisdom. Maybe it’s the lack of patience. I find that sorry isn’t the hardest word to say anymore. A relationship shouldn’t have to be competitive to the extent that offering an apology first is seen as scoring less love points and being weak.
So I’m now less afraid to say sorry. Instead of associating it with diminishing respect, I’ve come to realise that this little word actually helps to control further damage and strengthen our relationship when it’s used at the right time.
But then again, I will only say it if I was truly at fault. Cannot anyhow say sorry one. If it was him who offended me, then he better jolly well know how to offer reconciliation. Then of course there are still times when sorry takes forever to be said because we both think the other party is at fault. Erm, someone did say “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” right?
Amen to what you said! Though it’s not easy, hubby and I are still learning this..
Comment by Erika — Wed, 19 Jul 2006 @ 5:09 am
Hey..SS,
I think no matter how long you’ve been in a relationship.. it’s still hard to say “sorry”, it is still hard not to “blow up” at times. I blow up once in a while too.. and seriously i donch expect Papa BoK to say sorry.. more like i want a solution.. than sorry. But i can assure you .. once i blow up.. i’m over it immediately too.. no cold wars between us.. but that’s just me..
Comment by Mama Bok — Wed, 19 Jul 2006 @ 5:49 am
I’m married to my husband for 8yrs now, and still.. we’re learning. Both of us are pretty head strong and normally, we’ll just let the cold war continue.. He will always be the one to speak to me first, but not to apologise.
Comment by zara's mama — Wed, 19 Jul 2006 @ 9:24 am
Me too if is really my fault then I will say the golden word ‘Sorry’. If is not then over my dead body, I will say tat.
Comment by Ashes — Wed, 19 Jul 2006 @ 9:25 am
Sorry is one of the hardest word to say especially to your loved ones….how ironic right….but once the magic word comes out, everything’s forgotten and A okay again….Sorry is a damm powerful word!!!
Comment by Jan (My lovely Rays) — Wed, 19 Jul 2006 @ 9:40 am
I am one very stubborn person, and i find it difficult to say ’sorry’. Hubby is usually the one who apologize or speak first, even when i’m in the wrong, this is no good, i know, so i am learning to say this golden word…
Sometimes when i want to send nasty sms to hubs, i would type it out but save them as draft, after a while if i’m still furious, i wouold send it, otherwise i just erased it, and i feel better..hahaha…
Comment by Eileen — Wed, 19 Jul 2006 @ 10:21 am
I’m here to add ingredient. Haha. Next time…. think twice before you press the “send” button.
Comment by mumsgather — Wed, 19 Jul 2006 @ 10:29 am
Agreed totally. S-O-R-R-Y is a simple 5 letter words but very powerful and useful and yet no many people have acquired.
Good for you that you have applied it essentially
It’s must be the age with wisdom… the older you get, the more wisdom you will gain and the more magnanimous you will be…
Comment by wtpgrr — Wed, 19 Jul 2006 @ 1:54 pm
Sometimes I just avoid pursuing the matter if it’s really simply a small matter. I hate to sleep on grudges so any conflict will mostly blow over in less than one hour. There’s nothing better than kiss and make up (or out!).
Comment by domestic rat — Wed, 19 Jul 2006 @ 4:21 pm
My temper is a short temper. It lasts only for a while and I can forget the whole matter. My sorrys come after that one hour, but hey, don’t step near within that one hour, or that person will be sorry.
Comment by mother superior — Wed, 19 Jul 2006 @ 4:27 pm
It’s wisdom ! Over the years, I have learnt that it’s no point holding back the apology just to see who is the stronger partner….I rather opt for peace anytime.
Like now, CC just came in and took a book off the shelf and he did not push the rest of the books back in place…so they are now slanting side-way….so messy. Feel like calling him back to put them properly, but guess I will just do it after I finish with my blogging…..remember, peace is more important, right?;-)
You are wise not to let the matter blow bigger, Sesame !
Comment by sunshinensunflower — Wed, 19 Jul 2006 @ 10:53 pm
Erika: You’re still young and afterall considered a newly wed. Even me this old goat is still learning by the day…
MMB: No cold war at all? You sound like a straight forward and solution-oriented person. Hehe…good for Papa Bok.
ZM: I think over the years my man has matured and doesn’t always want to make the move first especially if he deems I’m at fault. Guess I’ve also softened over the years…
Ashes: Haha…cannot anyhow say one.
Jan: Yup, it almost like a lightbulb that can brighten up a gloomy spot!
Eileen & Mumsgather: Aha, I must learn this trick from Eileen. I always just press and send. Pronto.
wtpg: I think it’s also a process of learning. That we accept that we are not perfect and should back down when we make mistakes instead of being always headstrong. What’s more this is our family.
DR: You’re a good wifey! But indeed, small issues okay to let go but still must communicate the feeling. Otherwise, many small small issues can one day escalate to an explosion if one is not careful.
MS: You’re short temper too? Whoa, lucky we in cyber world so pretty far away. Heh.
SSF: Yes, you’re right. Maintaining peace is important in a family. Which is why I’ve learn to be more tolerant too and also to try to control my very short temper. No point trying to be stubborn sometimes.
Comment by sesame — Thu, 20 Jul 2006 @ 8:32 am
I don’t say “sorry” easily. I may feel sorry or admit I’m wrong, but my golden mouth just wouldn’t utter that word. I’m that headstrong. So, usually I would try not to land myself in that situation where I have to utter the word. Yes, it pissed my hubby often that he has to be the one to apologise.
Comment by earthember — Thu, 20 Jul 2006 @ 12:25 pm
In the early days, we used to let the cold wars just play out. Sometimes for days. Nowadays I don’t blow up as easily (used to and Danny would attribute it to PMS, which annoyed me more), plus I now keep my mouth shut till I’ve simmered long enough and the anger gone. That’s because I’ve learnt I do say dumb things when angry. I do say I am sorry, if I’ve simmered long enough and realise that I was wrong. Danny doesn’t, even if he acknowledges his mistake. He has his own “code” of saying sorry and I take it as good as the word itself.
Comment by Hsin — Thu, 20 Jul 2006 @ 1:37 pm
ee: You’re so headstrong?
Surprise!
Hsin: As long as the code is clear to you, then it’s as good as the word.
Comment by sesame — Fri, 21 Jul 2006 @ 9:07 am