Lately I’ve been playing aunt agony to my MOTHER-IN-LAW. Those who have read my old entries would probably be surprised as you’ll know I don’t exactly have a relationship with my MIL. But being *ahem* the Good Samaritan I am, I decided to lend her my pair of listening ears.
I have said before my MIL isn’t exactly an easy person to get along with. She’s neither nasty or rude. In fact, she is usually quite nice. The biggest problem for her is that she doesn’t have respect for personal space and that has been threatening her relationship with her children. She laments that her children do not communicate well with her but she doesn’t realise that it’s also because she hasn’t made an attempt to understand them. She continues to irritate them when they’ve already made it clear to her what annoys them.
Anyway, she’s been on some sort of tranquillizers and she looks like she’s on the verge of going berserk. She tells me that she’s very depressed and she has no mood to do anything. She has consulted the doctor who tells her that it isn’t depression. More like she’s over worrying. My FIL, while supportive, is at his wit’s end about how to help her. Her children, the source of her worry, is not doing much to lift up her spirits. So since she shared her problem with me, I tried my best to listen to her and give her appropriate advice.
I kind of pity her. While she does have some weird idiosyncracies, I think her major trouble is A LACK OF SELF IDENTITY. She has centred her whole life around her family and hasn’t had the opportunity to develop her own interests outside that life. Now that her children are all grown up and have their own lives, she doesn’t quite know what to do with hers. The best way for her, according to her, is to meddle with their lives but she doesn’t understand that it irritates them to the core.
This is one of the reasons why I constantly tell myself and my friends that we should all develop our own identities outside our family. We cannot go on thinking that our children will remain children and be always at our side. They will soon grow up to have their own minds and lead their own lives. We have to accept this and move on with ours. That is, if we have our own lives to speak of then.
My husband who is avoiding my MIL like plague, thinks I’m courting trouble by being friendly to her. He is right to an extent and I am very wary that one of these days, she’ll cross the line with me again and create another collision. Even though I draw the line clearly and points out to her, she’ll still cross it as she has done many other times. But then, I just can’t turn my back against her when she comes knocking at my door can I?
Well, I’ll just have to play by ear and keep my fingers crossed for the time being. Hopefully, her depression will blow over quickly.
Oh dear, hope your mil’s depression blows over soon…but it’s nice of you to lend her your ear but I can never see myself doing that…lol
Comment by Jan (My lovely Rays) — Tue, 20 Jun 2006 @ 10:52 am
Hey..SS,
I know you wanna be kind and all.. but we all know that ppl do not change overnite.. nor over months. So my advice is to be really careful when handling the outlaws.
As much as you wanna help.. i think deep down inside.. she knows what is wrong.. and only she can help herself.
Having said all the above.. i hope she gets well soon. And a last note.. SS.. a daughter-in-law is different from a daughter, a daughter can upset her mother. .but they will still re-concile.. but not the DIL.. remember that when you are lending her your ears.
Comment by Mama Bok — Tue, 20 Jun 2006 @ 10:56 am
Hi SS,
Quoted from Mama Bok ” a daughter-in-law is different from a daughter, a daughter can upset her mother, but they will still reconcile, but not the DIL.”
Hey, I second this opinion of hers.
Just be polite and try to still draw a line while lending your MIL a listening ears.
For my case, I keep a very distinct but polite distance from my MIL. Just to be on the safe side.
Comment by sunshinensunflower — Tue, 20 Jun 2006 @ 12:42 pm
Tough job you have there…. but it’s good that you are being the good daugther to land her a pair of ears to share her trouble with.
Hope you’ll be able to manage this relationship well.. it’s not easy huh? with a DIL and MIL relationship.
Comment by zara's mama — Tue, 20 Jun 2006 @ 1:03 pm
I currently live with my MIL and I must say, though she is really nice lady, we do have major differences. And the reason why we get along famously well these days is simply because we have a common enemy: the MAID!!!
That’s how I connect with MIL, by fining ‘common’ interests.
Comment by mother superior — Tue, 20 Jun 2006 @ 1:56 pm
Ahhh..the MIL & DIL relationship, complicated huh?
I speak to my MIL only when necessary. When she talks, i listen. We [me and my SIL (hubs bro's wife)] call her ‘The Empress Dowager’… Got it?
Comment by Eileen — Tue, 20 Jun 2006 @ 3:46 pm
Ahh .. I have not had the pleasure of knowing a MIL as yet. But the advice here should come in useful further down the track. =)
Comment by Loong — Tue, 20 Jun 2006 @ 7:05 pm
What you have written reminds me of this one-liner in the movie, Perhaps Love, starring Zhou Xun, Jacky Cheung and that floppy haired guy which probably went unnoticed by several folks. It was exactly as you put it - “A mother’s life will always revolve around her children. Yet when the children grow up, how many of them lead lives that revolve around the mother?”
I’m guessing that your MIL’s problem stemmed from say, not having a circle of her own friends or some activities to busy herself with. You might want to consider signing her for classes at the community center.
Comment by domestic rat — Tue, 20 Jun 2006 @ 7:32 pm
such a good DIL! *pat on your back* I dunno if I would do the same if I were you.. heheh.. I have very little patience..
back to self identity, I don’t think there’s any problem with that for kids growing up in US.. sometimes, I think it’s too extreme over here that kids tend to turn out too selfish..
Comment by Erika — Wed, 21 Jun 2006 @ 2:36 am
It’s good that you’re lending a listening ear. That’s not an easy task. I’m not sure if I would do the same if I were in your shoes.
I have an open relationship with my MIL, but I don’t think we have reached that level of confiding in each other.
Comment by earthember — Wed, 21 Jun 2006 @ 5:25 am
Jan: Yup, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it’ll go away very soon.
MB & SSF: I know what you mean. That’s why I’m kind of walking on my toes now cos I don’t want to have another confrontation with her if she cross the line again. The problem with her is that she never learnt. But I cannot turn my back on her cos almost everyone is ignoring her and I’m now the intermediary between her and her son. I just try my best and remember to keep a distance too…
ZM: Good DIL? I don’t really see myself as that. I think I would do the same even if it was someone else needing to confide.
MS: Common interests can bond huh? But I can’t think of anything between my MIL and me…
Eileen: Empress Dowager? Er, sounds the scary leh…
Loong: Haha…hope it’ll come in handy. Otherwise, you can come back and seek our advice, from women’s perspective that is.
DR: I feel sorry for her really. That’s why I try to be nicer and listen to her. I have tried asking her to continue her singing courses but she cited a lack of interests now. She keeps wallowing in her own negative thoughts and there is nothing more I can do.
Erika: I guess they also have to grapple with some family issues but it’s a different ball game with their culture and values.
EE: I assure you that it’s very hard to turn my back to her gripes…unless I leave my house altogether.
Comment by sesame — Wed, 21 Jun 2006 @ 9:35 am
very sweet gesture of you… I do understand the complicated relationship between MIL & DIL. Esp some in-laws still hv the primitive thinking that DIL shd obey them totally and have no say, without realising the earth is always revolving and time had changed. Im quite fortunate to a understanding MIL,but not FIL, still sometime I do grumbles about their demands…
Comment by wtpgrr — Wed, 21 Jun 2006 @ 12:47 pm
Ooooh, I’d stay away if I could. My MIL and I get on reasonably well, but that’s largely due to the fact that she works hard NOT to cross the line. It’s also out of love for my husband that I work hard to get on with her. She wouldn’t get to the point of confiding in me ever, I’d think, but even if she wanted to, I’d stay away - it’s a rather sticky situation to get into.
I do think this is a common problem with ladies of that generation. Building everything around their families, they really feel very lost when the children grow up. I agree with you - it’s so important that we as mothers find our own identities outside the family. More so for stay-at-home moms like me. It’s so easy to forget that there’s so much more out there.
Comment by Hsin — Wed, 21 Jun 2006 @ 8:46 pm
sounds like you might be playing with fire. take care– and protect yourself. don’t let that dutiful daughter stuff bring you down.
[advice from someone who learned this lesson the hard way.]
Comment by ally bean — Wed, 21 Jun 2006 @ 10:44 pm
wtpg: You’re lucky to have a good MIL. I prefer my FIL…more reasonable to talk to.
Hsin: I agree…it’s more like that generation. Very few exceptions I’ve seen. My mum was also like that but she has at least tried to make friends as she aged.
ally: Oh, you had a similar experience? Hmmm, I think I better start keeping a distance again based on the advices I’ve been receiving from you and the others. Better to play it safe than foolish…
Comment by sesame — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 @ 9:10 am
hahaha! we break even, you are lucky to have a reasonable FIL to talk to
I hv a FIL who always questioning me but not his son!!!
Comment by wtpgrr — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 @ 10:58 am