I woke up in the middle of the night to check on Gavin and realised that my husband was not back. Well, this was not the first time he’s back so late but I wasn’t happy last night. I had expected him to come back earlier because of our sick child.
So I called him on his cell phone, gave him a piece of my mind and hung up on him. When he eventually got home, I ignored him but the anger quickly subsided when he explained his reasons.
Due to his work and lifestyle, it is not unusual for him to be up late in the night. I know he goes drinking with his friends sometimes and I don’t really mind as long as it’s not too late, and he doesn’t drink too much.
However, I do get annoyed on days when I’m feeling insecure and wondering what he’s actually doing out there. But cos I choose to believe that he’s doing what he says he’s doing, we usually have no problems.
Am I being wise here, giving him so much personal space? Or am I being foolish? Especially compared to these other women I know.
One is a younger relative who has been getting into nasty fights with her husband because he goes out clubbing in the night. I heard it was so bad they had to resort to calling the police to quell the fights. I have never spoken to her about these fights of course but I understand night entertainment is a regular feature for her businessman husband.
Another is a common friend whose husband plays golf with mine on a regular basis. We used to be quite friendly until my husband started thinking poorly of her because she does not approve of hers playing golf frequently. As a result, her husband has had to go for games on the pretext of working. She would of course never allow him to go out drinking late into the night.
I suppose everyone would have a threshold when it comes to this matter. I used to be quite a control freak in the past. Somehow I took it for granted that being a couple means their time are mutually exclusive and should only be spent on each other. Now, for good or for bad, I don’t always request that my husband tells me his whereabouts. And not that I’m very confident and secure. I’ll be lying if I said I’m totally fine not knowing what he’s doing outside. It’s just that I’ve learnt to let go bit by bit over the years and trying not to be overly dominant.
Certainly I’m no expert but perhaps too much control is not always a good thing for a relationship to work. Of course I’m also not suggesting that we should all go about running our lives independent of our partner. It is necessary to strike a balance but the definition of the balance really depends on the couple in question. Like I said, different people have different thresholds.
What about you? How much personal space do you grant your partner, if any?
In my husband’s line of work, he travels a lot. 1 week at a time. I sometimes wonder during those lonely nights, is he ever tempted to stray or has he strayed. I wouldn’t know would I? And if I do think too much, I’ll go crazy. So I just assume he’s not doing anything nasty out there.
He does go out to drink as well, but it’s mainly with his mates. I don’t have a problem with it. I can’t stand it when he comes home reeking of alchohol, but he didn’t bother calling earlier to tell me he was going to be late. We had several fights over such matters, and now, he finally understands he needs to call if he’s going to be late (hubby has been a free soul for 30yrs, he doesn’t know being a spouse or a boy friend he needs to observe certain rules).
I also try to make him be more hands on with the kid. I know some men who would go for golf or drinking with friends even when the wife is in confinement. This is something I cannot tolerate. I’d just given birth, the least you could do is be part of the action and try to learn to be parents together.
So there are things which I can’t stand, and like to control a bit, but there are things that I just try to ‘learn’ how to be understanding and let him have his ways. I guess that’s what you call ‘balance’.
Comment by zara's mama — Wed, 7 Jun 2006 @ 6:26 pm
My hubby goes for boys’ nite out once in a while & I’m ok with that so long as most nights he’s with the family and I also know the guys (& their wives) that he hangs out with. There have been times when I feel annoyed when he works weekends or works late a number of nights including having to go for drinks with colleagues but when I think rationally I know I need to be supportive and not add to the stress he gets from work and that the frustration I feel has more to do with having to take care of the kids on my own or not having him around rather than any rational reason to be angry with him.
Comment by fuzzoo — Wed, 7 Jun 2006 @ 7:32 pm
Hmm… for once, the roles are reversed in our case. MM behaves more like the wife, always expecting me to inform him where I would be going, and to call him once I reached home. If I forget, I’ll get a scolding for sure! He means well, merely concerned about my safety.
So I was very annoyed with this whole reporting matter initially. I do not specifically request him to let me know of his whereabouts simply because I do not do it myself, not with him or with my previous bfs. You can guess by now I used to resist the idea of marriage because I imagined myself chained to a heavy iron ball!!!
I like the way things are right now. I do not see him til night time and I have all the time to myself during the day. A little space apart does wonders for the married souls.
Comment by domestic rat — Wed, 7 Jun 2006 @ 8:24 pm
I guess it’s a matter of trust. Let it be known that you trust him so he knows he should not be taking your kindness for granted, and that you respect him enough to give him the personal space he needs.He would feel more grateful towards you, rather than be resentful if you restrict his movement.
No point controlling cz’ I feel it makes the matter worse.
Guess all marriages are hard work. Really need lots of give and take….and plenty of forgiveness too
Comment by sunshinensunflower — Wed, 7 Jun 2006 @ 10:22 pm
I think how much to give personal space depend on each couple. I give my hubby as much space as he’s willing to give me .. I’ve always asked him to put himself on my shoes and I, on his shoes..
But quite frankly, we don’t give each other much space. Haha. We always report to each other whereever we are. It’s a habit. Since we both don’t have much relatives here, we are responsible for each other. So whatever happens, the other person got to know.. safety purposes.
Btw, dunno why but I wasn’t able to post comment on ur blog yesterday
Comment by Erika — Thu, 8 Jun 2006 @ 1:06 am
we both have a lot of space to do what we each want to do on our own time. then when we get together we are really focused on each other. it’s worked for us because over the years we’ve both had to travel for work and been apart as a result of it.
for us, it’s all come down to communication, trust and practicality.
Comment by ally bean — Thu, 8 Jun 2006 @ 2:08 am
Like you said, every couple is different and what works for one may not work for another. Some like to report to each other, some feel stiffled by this and likes to give each other more personal space but they’re still fine. I’d say, as long as one is happy with the relationship, theres no wrong or right. However having said that, I also believe that letting your partner know your whereabouts and whether you’ll be late home is not “reporting” but plain curtesy and respect. Trust, not nagging or quarrelling is better for the relationship and yet one must not trust too blindly either or one may be in for a nasty surprise. Its a delicate balance.
Comment by mumsgather — Thu, 8 Jun 2006 @ 8:26 am
We let each other know our whereabouts, and call or SMS each other when we reach and leave office, a habit since our ‘pak tor’ days!
He’ll let me know the time he should be back if he’s out with friends; and if he’s not back by that time, i will call him and ask his whereabouts, and i do lost my cool and hung up on him as well…i wonder if i’m a control freak?
But frankly, sometimes i do let my mind runs wild when he’s travelling, especially if there are female colleagues going with him. I think this is normal right??
It’s not that we don’t trust our man, i would say it’s just human nature mah…haha..:P
Comment by Eileen — Thu, 8 Jun 2006 @ 9:42 am
I resented my husband when he would leave me alone at night with the kids when they were a lot younger. He would be out drinking with his buddies. There were times when I felt like a single mom. Looking back now, I wish I’d explain to him how I felt instead of picking up fights. But then again, he’s a stubborn man and I think he would still have gone out as he did during his bachelor days.
Comment by niceheart — Thu, 8 Jun 2006 @ 11:37 am
Hmm… I’m thankful that the only space my husband needs is on sports. Without his sports release, he can be a sore. So he’s granted his Tennis Sat mornings, Badminton Mon nites and Gym Workouts on whichever nite. Through that, the girls have picked up a sportier lifestyle. I only try.
Regarding Golf, this may sound stifling, but we planned before marriage that he would not take it up, simply because it’ll take too many hours and Sunday mornings away. That included washing his car for half a day on Sundays too, cos he loves his car too much. He agreed to car washes. I’m happy he’s conceded to the plan, but I found ways for kids to join in his car wash, and that I’d join him in Golf when kids are older.
Marriage is certainly not easy, and God’s blessings are always needed cos hearts are not easy to change.
Comment by mother superior — Thu, 8 Jun 2006 @ 12:23 pm
Thanks everyone for your inputs and interesting views.
ZM: Yup, must let go and not think so much otherwise can go insane. I also agree that it is necessary for the man to be involved in parenting. I also cannot stand those macho man who thinks child minding is purely a woman’s business. I suppose it’s important that they have a right sense of responsibility to the family.
fuzzoo: I would like to think that they need outlets to vent frustrations and stress. It’s fine, as long as they let us know and not try to hide.
DR: You’ve got a lot of tolerance I noticed. Like for Clinic Babe, who is his friend. It’s important that MM watch out for you since you’re after all in a foreign land.
SSF: Give and take, that’s right. But some will take more and not give any…
Erika: Haha…think it’s the newly wed syndrome…but I think it’s important that you watch out for one another since you’re both very much on your own.
ally: More space…more fondness?
MG: Yeah, it’s really delicate and different couples really do work differently. I’ve heard some stories of men who likes to be controlled too!
Eileen: It’s women’s nature but too much second guessing really doesn’t do us good sometimes. Must manage those thoughts!
niceheart: Well, we all learn through trial and errors. Mine is also a stubborn man so what I do now is not to take it so hard.
MS: You’re lucky that your hubby comes to an agreement with you. Sports is good as long as it doesn’t get obsessive.
Comment by sesame — Thu, 8 Jun 2006 @ 5:50 pm
Yah, after reading all, im reassure im not alone. Marriage is indeed a hard work. Before making the marriage vow, I couldnt anticipate the problem in our differences. I thought all these can be solved once we are married, once we are vow to commit to each other, to our marriage, to our family. But little did i realise, my speed of adjusting to marriage life and very soon to parenthood is so much faster then him till today, thought i dont deny he did make adjustment but still, to me he is still very self-centered and not committed to the family, albeit im brain washed i am happily married.
Comment by wtpgrr — Fri, 9 Jun 2006 @ 2:08 pm
Talking about trust, How to obtain trust from your spouse? Can anybody tell me?
My hubby always conclude our quarrel is due to me dont give him the trust…
How to trust him when:
call his mobile and always dont pick up…
his reply: im driving, mobile left at the workstation, meeting… but didnt i reply you after that?
going clubbing wif frens…asked going to which pub? who is going also?
his reply: hven confirm yet.
ask him dont stay out too late…
his reply: Ok…but reached home 4.30am…
I gave him a black face, he ask what wrong with me? He had came back early, the guys still staying. Even said his fren comment he is a good man, went home so early. MY FOOT!!? Yes,very early 4am in the morning,DAY HVEN EVEN BREAK
Comment by wtpgrr — Fri, 9 Jun 2006 @ 2:29 pm
Afraid im too much of grumbles… I jus hv to learn to acquire the skill… learning to let go and lower further the already low expectation.
Thank You for whatever…
Comment by wtpgrr — Fri, 9 Jun 2006 @ 2:44 pm
Hey wtpgrr: Trust is a very delicate issue. Some pple trust easily (we sometimes call them gullible) while others are hard nuts to crack.
I think women tend to have more insecurities when it comes to handling a relationship. At least, I think for me. So yes, it was difficult developing trust, because we always have our doubts. For me, what I learnt over the years is to let go bit by bit. I grew more detached so I become less concerned about the “what ifs”. But of course I do have some nagging fears inside me.
I can’t say more about how to handle your relationship because every couple is different in terms of their dynamics. The only thing is communicate your feelings to your hubs and tell him specifically what you don’t like. Hopefully he will heed. Otherwise, come to a middle ground and agree on some rules.
Comment by sesame — Fri, 9 Jun 2006 @ 3:09 pm
Sesame, you are very good at expressing. This is where my problem lie… i never can express myself, not mentioning to my insensible hubby… so my actual feeling is nver convey to him but his misinterpretation and we end up deadlock.
You spell out all for me, my thought, my fear, my insecurity… I long know about the rules to maintain a marriage and nver want to heed but today you have enlightening me.
That should be the way, if I want a happy marriage, though my “nagging fear” inside is more but i know i hv to overcome it
Comment by wtpgrr — Fri, 9 Jun 2006 @ 6:19 pm
I think i give my other half quite alot of personal space..My husband works comes home abt 9+ everynight (in time for aidan’s bedtime) but there are times when he does go drinking with his colleagues/clients and come back much later..I don’t have any problem with that actually (but i’d mentioned often that i wish he could come home earlier during weekdays at times).. Maybe it’s because sometimes, I have to work during the weekends and during such time, he’ll be the one spending most of the time with the li’ one.
to me..the most impt time for us is the weekend and that’s when he has to spend time with the family (thankfully he doesnt play golf :P)
Comment by Angelia — Fri, 9 Jun 2006 @ 9:13 pm
wtpgrr: A marriage needs two hands to clap. If both of you are committed to the marriage, then you’ll definitely be able to overcome the differences. At the end of the day, we must realise that we are all different individuals with a mind of our own. If we do not tell the other what we think or how we feel, they will never know. Especially not for a man (cos some of them can be especially thick skull)…hahaha…
Oh, and one thing to share. When I started changing my attitude towards my husband like trying to let go and being more understanding, he actually saw it and also made an effort to improve on his part. Remember, let go of the negativity inside you and embrace the positive thinking! Have a nice weekend k?
Angelia: I noticed you are cos you let your hubs go BKK without you. Hehe…not easy. I’m also like you when it comes to weekend. It’s family time. So unless there are special reasons, I rather he spend time with the family.
Comment by sesame — Sat, 10 Jun 2006 @ 12:30 am